TOPICAL HUMOR

Shlomo made a killing in the real estate market before the bubble burst, so he, like the Jefferson’s before him decides to "move on up". He buys a swanky 3 bedroom, 3 bath condo, complete with terrace looking out onto Park Avenue in a waspy, old money pre-war building in the East 60's.  Things go smoothly for the first few months, but then as the holiday of Succoth arrives, Shlomo proceeds to do what he has done every year...build a Succah.  The only outside property he now owns is the terrace, so that is where he decides to put the Succah. 

The entire building immediately erupts in chaos, as the other owners start screaming at him to take it down, with chants of " you're not in the shtetl any more".  Shlomo ignores them all, so they immediately decide to take him to court.  As luck would have it, the case is being held in Judge Goldstein's court.  Shlomo feels pretty confident as he presents his case.  After Shlomo finishes, the opposition presents their case and then the judge speaks.

"Shlomo, you have to realize that you are now living in a fancy building on Park Avenue.  The Succah that you put on your stoop for so many years in Brooklyn does not belong in the Upper East Side.  Therefore I am going to fine you $10,000 or give you a sentence of 30 days in jail if you do not remove the Succah". 

Then the judge adds, almost as an afterthought "within 8 days"

PROPOSED HEALTH CARE PLAN

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health
care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.  The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of
nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled,
"Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.  Surgeons decided to wash their
hands of the whole thing.  The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the
matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.  The Anesthesiologists thought the whole
idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
assholes in Washington.

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Chinese Wedding Night A young Chinese couple gets married.  She's a virgin. 
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.  I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.  You juss ask.  Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls...  Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him.  Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want......  Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

SERVICES

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the synagogue one day, and, as always, Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregants departed.

The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered to him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

NEWS IN THE MAKING

A photographer was assigned to cover southern California's
Wildfires. When he arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was
so thick it would seriously impede getting good photographs from the
ground.  He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take
photos from the air.  His request was approved and he called the local
County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane
would be waiting for him.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside
a hanger.  He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
shouted, "Let's go."  The pilot taxied out and roared down the Runway.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the
valley and make a few low passes so I can take some pictures of the
fires."  "Why?" asked the pilot.  "Because I'm a photographer," he
responded. The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he
stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're not my flight instructor?"

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW?

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

THE YEAR 1910

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!  
The year is 1910.  
One hundred years ago.  
What a difference a century makes!  
Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

************ ********* *********

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles

Of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel  Tower!

The average wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year ..

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,  
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which

Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used

Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from

Entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza  
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea  
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'

( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Plus one more sad thought; 95 percent of the taxes we have now did not exist in 1910

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND

UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCE

Deaf Sex...

Two deaf people get married and during the first week ofmarriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips

After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes:

'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back
to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

(Insert pic of US Border Patrol)

It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.

Don’t try it at McDonald’s, the whole crew will exit and you’ll never get your order.

OLDIE BUT GOODIE

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?  Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, 
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, 
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and 
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional 
and detailed examination. 

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 
‘No wonder this baby is underweight. 
You don't have any milk.' 

I know,' she said, 

'I'm his Grandma, 
but I'm glad I came .’

For all of you red-blooded Americans

Okay you 'red-blooded Americans'.. Let’s see how you do on this test 24 out of 30 is considered a passing grade. Supposedly 96% of all High School Seniors FAILED this test.. AND if that's not bad enough, 50+% of all individuals over 50 did too!! 

Take the test and be surprised at what we don't know.

MARRIAGE

Three men married wives from different states…

The first man married a woman from Missouri.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean houseand dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Idaho..  He gave his wife orders that she was to d o all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Jewish girl from New York.  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Some Amazing Photos In PowerPoint. Click here to download and enjoy